


Quarantine (Or the multiple times Jon found excuses to flout the rules)

by IndelibleSpock



Category: Fake News
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25103923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndelibleSpock/pseuds/IndelibleSpock
Summary: Stephen and Jon end up quarantining.
Relationships: "Stephen Colbert"/Jon Stewart
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19





	Quarantine (Or the multiple times Jon found excuses to flout the rules)

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I've felt the yearn to create for the sake of creating. Months of manipulation. Months of struggling with Covid recovery! Perhaps I'll expand and write a longer more detailed piece, but for now I'm still working on writing for myself without feeling guilt and misery.
> 
> This piece is littered with things that helped me cope whilst bedridden.
> 
> Stay safe friends.

One.

It was a Sunday. Rainy. Water droplets pelted the windows hard. The wind was ever so slight, but as the falling water fell harder, it felt as though the wind should have been a tropical force. Jon was sitting in his favorite reading spot: A dark leather couch in front of the window with a coffee table that was used more as an ottoman than an actual table. He knew he should have gotten rid of the table, but it was nice. Oak, worn down. It fit his home. 

He was focused on a word he hardly saw in prose. So he took a break from the old pages and googled. A notification popped at the top of his screen. It was from Stephen. 

“I’m going to die.”

Sigh. 

Jon placed the bookmark in the right spot and dialed the number. 

“You’re not going to die.”

“Yes I am! I’m going to die and no one is going to be here. It’s going to be like that story I read in the Guardian.”

“You read … The Guardian?”

“Don’t make fun of me Jon. Not right now, this is serious.”

The looming disease hitting their area was serious. Jon knew Stephen was taking it seriously too. He was surprised, he thought Stephen would be one of those deniers. But Stephen was already wearing a mask, sanitizing every surface, and on occasion was wearing gloves. 

“I’m sorry, what’s the matter?”

“I have a headache.”

He rolled his eyes. “Stephen, have you been wearing your glasses lately?”

“Uh no. I haven’t.”

“Put them on and the headache will go away.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“Would I lie to you?”

There was a pause. Jon imagined Stephen pouting as per usual. 

“Sometimes you do lie Jon, and then you make me look like an idiot.”

“Stephen, I wouldn’t lie to you about this. Please put your glasses on. You can call me in the next couple hours to update me.”

Another pause.

“Jon? Can I just er … come over?”

He thought about it. Imagined Stephen waking up and wandering downstairs with his ruffled hair, while he was making coffee. Stephen would insult him and then kiss him--

A fantasy that would never happen, but he liked it. 

“You know quarantine can last a long time, right? You’d be stuck here.”

“I wouldn’t mind. You might be a troll, but I like your company.”

Stephen brought enough things with him to last for 3 months.

Two.

Jon’s sleep schedule was barely recognizable. He had no real obligations and those he owed were canceled for the time being. With his ever growing amount of free time he took up a few new true crime podcasts. 

He cozied up in his bed and closed his eyes.

Something pinched his foot.

“Jon, I can’t sleep. I have insomnia and that’s a symptom I am going to die.”

“Stephen.”

Stephen climbed on to Jon’s bed, fully sitting next to him leaning back against the headboard. “It’s true! I was reading this medical report from China--”

“You were reading medical reports?”

He ripped the airpods from Jon’s ears. “Jon this is no time to question my new found reading comprehension. There’s so many symptoms! I have them! Insomnia. There’s the bad digestion…”

“Okay, THAT is because you’ve been eating nothing but reese’s cups for the past three days.”

“And normally that would be fine with me!”

Jon sighed. “And normally you’d be out and about working off all the junk food. What have you been doing for exercise?”

Stephen plopped back on to Jon’s pillows. “I walked down the stairs today.”

Jon closed his eyes. Stephen wasn’t in his control. He couldn’t control his behavior or his thoughts. He couldn’t police him. Jon sat up and put on his slippers. “I’ll be back.”

“You’re leaving!? You’re gonna bring back the covid!”

“Do you want to fall asleep tonight, or not?”

Stephen climbed over the bed, following Jon down the stairs. “Yeah I’d like to sleep.”

“I’ll go to the store, get some medicine, and you’ll be out.” Jon grabbed his keys from the hook that was near the kitchen entrance. “I’m deeming this a necessary trip. I’ll be back soon.”

“Wait!”

Jon held the front door knob while Stephen ran up the stairs. He ran back down with a mask in his hands. “Look Jon, I just can’t have the people I love run around without protecting themselves so wear this.”

Jon blinked. Did he just? “What?”

“What?”

Three.

April. An early breeze brought in some warm air. Jon decided to sit in his backyard. He loved the soft ripple of the leaves and blossoms. Now if only, the book on the Korean War was more pleasant…

“What are you reading?”

“History.”

Stephen sat on the ground and leaned his head on Jon’s leg. “Okay but what kind of history?”

“The war that MASH was set in.”

“The Korean War? I remember that from school. It’s haunting.”

Stephen had been full of surprises since he came to stay. He spoke about music, and current events, he was keeping up to date on the latest mandates from their local health district. Jon knew Stephen wasn’t stupid, but he couldn’t help but wonder if everything he knew about Stephen was a lie. 

“You know about the Korean War?”

“Well, yeah? How the hell did we get North Korea, then?”

Stephen had these small bits of insight. But then he’d throw a curveball. 

“Hey Jon? Serious question.”

Jon finally closed his book. He should get it by now that reading while Stephen was in the room was impossible. “Okay, what is it?”

“What’s a himbo?”

“A what?”

“A himbo. Someone called me that online earlier today and it’s been driving me crazy ever since!”

He simply stared at Stephen. 

“I dunno if it’s an insult or some backhanded compliment. I’ve never heard of it.”

“You didn’t check urban dictionary?”

Stephen sighed. “That makes me feel silly.”

He got off the ground and sat next to Jon. “Did they call me a whore? Is that what this is? I’m just some smug dirty whore to them? I did my time. I’ve learned many things since then. Jon this is covid. There’s more things to worry about than insulting some celebrity on reddit.”

“I uh, need to take a walk.” Jon placed his book on the table next to the bench he was sitting on. “Alone. I just uh. I need to think about some things. You just gave me an idea. That’s all.”

Stephen smiled at him. A most genuine child-like smile. “Don’t forget your mask!”

Jon found the closest open bar and asked for a beer. “I appreciate it,” he said to the bartender who shrugged. Jon stood outside to enjoy his beverage and maintain his distance. 

He googled. Jon could barely contain his strange swirling of emotions as he read the definition. 

“He’s a god damn himbo.”

Four.

He was writing. Late at night in front of the computer, he had a cup of coffee and a sandwich. He shouldn’t have been eating this late but he couldn’t think otherwise. Jon decided to take a break from writing, he checked on his finances. 

“What in the hell,” he muttered. There were charges he didn’t know about on his card, for things he never even saw. 

“When the hell did I order from Five Guys? Wendys? Four times in a DAY there was a delivery charge from Krispy Kreme?!”

He felt hands on his shoulders. “That was me. I put a skill on your Alexa and now it just orders me food.”

“Stephen.”

Those hands lightly squeezed him. 

“Let’s be real, the last time you had to worry about finances was the early 90s. And I can obviously pay you back when I get back home.”

“Okay, but here’s the deal Stephen that’s my money. It’s mine. Not yours.” Jon sighed. “The hell did you order at Shake Shack that cost 53 dollars?”

Stephen sniffled. “I was huuuuuuuuungry. And there wasn’t any good food in the fridge. Jon you’re starving me. I’m gonna die!”

Jon turned off the computer. No more writing for the night. He knew the grocery store had a small window late at night for essential workers. He might as well risk it.

“Jon? Where are you going? It’s midnight.”

“I’m getting you food so you’ll stop charging my card 30 bucks for uber eats surcharges.”

Stephen laughed. “Well if you’d just marry me then it would be both our card and you’d have more money.”

He stopped at the front door. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

After Jon finished buying out the frozen food aisle, he sat in his car parked in the lot with the shittiest beer he could find. 

Five.

“Stephen, we need to talk.”

Stephen was watching videos on his phone. As of late he’d been choosing a single room to stay in and then pitching ideas for renovations. 

“I understand you want to make this place as cozy as possible while you’re here. But it’s June. There’s places open now. There’s more testing! You’re able to go home, I’m sure.”

He tilted his head. “What?”

“I think you should head home. Live your own life.” Jon sat next to him. “You’re my best friend and I’m glad you wanted to stay with me, but this whole renovation pitch you’re throwing at me is making me uneasy.”

“How is it making you uneasy?”

“It’s like you’re planning to stay here for good.”

Stephen laughed, a hint of nervousness. “Well okay Jon I WAS planning on staying here forever but if you really don’t want to be my husband then I’ll just have to leave and forget this experiment ever happened.”

Silence.

Jon leaned back. He just realized what Stephen was saying to him. Experiment? Husband? Was he getting the delusions covid victims were experiencing? Was he succumbing to the virus?

“Stephen?”

“Yeah?”

“Please repeat to me what you just said.”

“Oh. Uh well, I created the specific coronavirus, infected a bunch of people that ultimately killed a bunch of people as well because I needed a controlled environment that would allow me to carry out an experiment for which illustrated how we’d act in the worst moments just so I could gauge if you’re suitable for me as a spouse.”

Stephen smiled. 

“Jon, this is very weird and out of character for me to say all this. You’re my best friend in the whole world! You put up with me when I feel lonely. You make my life a lot easier to deal with. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Jon grabbed Stephen’s arm. “Stephen, st-stop.”

“Stop what? Telling the truth?”

“You’re not joking?”

Stephen tilted his head. “No! I mean obviously about creating coronavirus that was a spillage event, but about really really liking you? No. That’s not a joke.”

Jon grabbed his keys without saying a word. He rushed to his car and sped down the road to the nearest testing site. He rolled down his window where the nurse with a clipboard asked him some questions. 

“What symptoms are you experiencing if any?”

Jon was hyperventilating. “I think my best friend just proposed to me, and now I can’t breathe.”


End file.
